Times are not great in America. Regardless of political party, I’d say over 98% of the population would agree with that statement Where we come to disagree is on how or when we get out of this depressing vortex of malaise and bullishness.
But times are pretty darn great if your name is Mitt Romney. You’ve just battled through perhaps one of the weakest slates of candidates in nomination history, finally appear to be set to fight for the job you’ve wanted for over 10 years and also your tax percentage is close to your college GPA.
Yes, life is good if you are Mitt Romney. It seems that everything politically is going your way as well. The job market isn’t doing too hot, Europe is in a perilous economic situation and the SuperPACs that helped you win the nomination are ready to open up their checkbook for you. Heck, you even might be going to the Olympics!
However, we all know Mitt Romney’s life is pretty sweet. We also all know that while money can’t buy happiness, there does seem to be a permanent grin on the faces of the wealthiest people in America.
Alas, there is only one weakness installed in the candidate made of Teflon. His life is awesome and he must let you know it at all times. He’s friends with NASCAR owners, he wanted an elevator for his car and he even marched in unison for the civil rights of corporations! What a guy! The Dream Act should be rewritten into mandating that all Americans must dream of Mitt!
But there comes one problem when Mitt Romney struts around the Beltway and gets wowed by the computers at Wawa. He acts like Bain Capital is set to purchase Earth and sell it for a mega-profit.
The last time Mitt was sensing victory before it happened? Well, it lead to the much sought after endorsement from Jeff Foxworthy and Mitt’s introduction to fine Southern cuisines such as “cheesy grits”.
May I re-introduce you to “Inevitable Mitt”. Inevitable Mitt is the self-anointed vigilante for corporatism and the poster boy of elitism. With a chuckle that is usually heard at fencing matches, Inevitable Mitt tells you that the only reason you should vote for him is because well…..you should! He’ll even forcefully cut your hair AND the budget in one-go! Talk about a dual threat.
Yet, Inevitable Mitt is only shown when Mitt Romney is REALLY enjoying life. But it is usually followed by Acknowledging Mitt, where he acknowledges the opponents who should be honored that they can run against him.
But how do you know that Inevitable Mitt is coming to a town near you? Well, when you see quotes like this:
Some Romney advisers sound especially bullish, with one positing that a big win by their side is now more likely than a narrow Obama victory …
….which are then followed by statements such as this:
I am going to win Pennsylvania,” the Republican nominee told a crowd of several hundred people at the Cornwall Iron Furnace, a historic foundry that once was the source of cannonballs and other iron products.
Man, Mitt is sure getting bold now isn’t he? Of course, I’m sure even George McGovern in ’72 and Goldwater in ’64 said confident things like this; that’s part of campaigning. But man, he really doesn’t leave any gray area in statements such as this.
However, when has Mitt Romney believed in gray area at all? In Mitt’s utopian view of the world, there are only rich….and those who are envious of them. You are either an employer….or someone who isn’t lucky enough to be one.
But in all the laughter that can come from Mitt’s pretentious larynx, it certainly won’t be funny if he wins this November. Remember the last time, America voted for the funny guy?